


Let Me Go

by KilljoyNephilim



Series: Final Goodbye [1]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: DO NOT READ if it's triggering for you, Gen, It's slightly graphic and very elaborate..., M/M, MASSIVE TW FOR SUICIDE, Please call a hotline if you're feeling sucidal, Sad Ending, please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26791954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilljoyNephilim/pseuds/KilljoyNephilim
Summary: Tommy finds Nikki, a bleeding mess at his house
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Series: Final Goodbye [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954237
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> SUICIDE HOTLINES:
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> Austria: 142; for children and young people, 147
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Tommy was in a mad rush. Nikki had left a cryptic message on the intercom of the lake house…That only ever meant one thing. He sprinted, upstairs to the room the bassist had temporarily made his own.

"Nikki!" He screamed, pushing open the door. The bassist was on the couch, lying down, bleeding from the arm. "Nikki, stop! Let me call an ambulance or something, please I beg you..."

"I took pills. I've got minutes. We're at a lake house, nearest ambulance if hours away. It's okay, Tom, I want this..."

Tommy felt his heart break. "Nikki, I'm begging you please let me take care of you, let me stop the bleeding..."

"LEE STOP!" He wailed, "Don't you get it? I'm never going to be happy. I don't get happy. Trying to be happy is pointless for me. It’s just going to give hope to me. And then that hope goes away, and I get sadder. It's better just to not expect it to happen. Because then I don't get the disappointment."

"I want to help you, support-"

"I don't want support. I want you to hold me while I die."

Tears welled up in Tommy's eyes. "You don't have to do this..."

"It's too late. Only thing I can change is if I die alone or near you."

Tommy nodded. He knew Nikki was hurting himself, taking large doses... Hell he'd stopped him a few times. He just thought this was far away. Or maybe he had become an expert at lying to himself. Slowly, he dragged himself to the couch and laid down, pulling Nikki towards himself. 

"Are you disappointed in me? Everyone always is, I wouldn't be surprised if you reached your limit too."

He inhaled deeply. "I'm be devastated. I'm feeling... awful. But never disappointed. Not in you, not as long as I'm alive. I swear it, Nikki. I'm proud of you for coming this far, for holding on this long. You told me you felt like this for years - and you managed-" His voice broke. "You managed to pull through. You managed to stay - for music, for the band, for the tour, for me... I'm proud of you."

That's when Nikki broke down, his sobs echoing in his room. "Nobody's ever been proud of me before... Can you say it again? I need to hear it. I'm sorry, Tommy, I'm sorry I was always such a burden to you. Fuck if this was you dying and I couldn't do anything-"

Tommy stroked his arm gently, staring at each individual scar. "I'm proud of you for being you, Nikki, even if it was impossible at times. You remained the stubborn hard-ass I fell in love with."

A smile danced on the bassist's lips. "Thanks, T-bone..." He laughed weakly, clutching onto Tommy's arm before his mood fell again. "I'm sorry this was such a waste..."

"Nothing with you was ever a waste. What are you talking about? I cherish every second we spent together, Nikki Sixx."

"You lost entire nights of sleep trying to get me to stop hurting myself. Entire bus rides gripping onto me so I'd stop shooting up. And this is how it ends."

Hiding his face in Nikki's shirt, Tommy spoke in a small voice. "None of that was a waste. I got more time with you. You're the love of my life, Nikki. And nothing will ever change that. Any moment with you, however rough, is better than the best moment without you."

"I'm sorry things are ending like this. I know you want me to hold on, but I can't... If the afterlife exists I'll think of you forever. Don't know what I believe in, but I'll find out soon. If it is real I hope we meet there, b-because I don't think I can handle this being the last time we talk... You are the only reason I’m crying you know? I don't really fear death, I fear leaving you. You mean a lot to me. I don't want to imagine a life with me not seeing you... Though twisted as it is, this way I don't have to have a life without you."

"Nikki I know this is selfish but I feel like you're taking a part of me with you while you die..."

"You'll fill it up. You love easily, hell you loved me, a fuckup runaway addict. You can love anyone, Tom."

"I don't want to love anyone else. I want to love you forever and ever..."

"You're my forever, Tommy Lee. You're the only reason I held on. Ten years ago, I was going to end it all - you being there saved my life. You're my forever. I already had it."

The shirt was damp with Tommy's tears. "I'm never going to replace you..."

"Please remember me?"

"I'm never going to forget you."

Nikki's façade of bravery slipped as he let out a gut-wrenching sob. "I've never felt so... Loved."

"I've never loved anyone as much as I love you."

"You're the one that ever did love me..."

"Always, Nikki."

Nikki's lip trembled, and the light faded from his green eyes. "Sing me to sleep, one last time?"

Tommy took in a shaky breath.

"I've been here before a few times,  
And I'm quite aware we're dying.  
And your hands they shake with goodbyes,  
And I'll take you back if you'd have me.  
So here I am I'm trying.  
So here I am are you ready?  
  
Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you,  
Always.  
Kiss you, taste you, all night,  
Always.  
Come on let me hold you, Touch you, feel you  
Always  
Kiss you, taste you all night  
Always."

With the last note, Nikki's pulse faded away. Tommy looked down, seeing the bassist's green eyes shut, and a slight smile on his face as Nikki held onto his Terror Twin, even in death. He finally allowed himself to break down crying, his eyes flooding with tears instantly as he gripped onto Nikki's lifeless husk of a body. His tears flowed freely, as he moved closer, to breathe in his scent one last time, and to absorb the remnants of Nikki's warmth. I'll always love you, he wanted to say, but it was pointless - he was overwhelmed. He couldn't open his mouth without sobs emerging. Try to be happy for me, Nikki had said. But in that moment, Tommy knew his joy was gone. He lived before Nikki, but living after him was something he'd never even considered before. The thought alone brought him more pain than anyone could imagine. He cried out, sobbing into the corpse of his best friend and lover.

"I love you," He choked out.

"Always."


End file.
